and then I got the e-mail

omg omg omg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I acctually really got an e-mail from flight center,
I'm literally bouncing up and down, i am soooo happy,
well they needed some of my information for the flight TO CANADA!!!!!!
damn i gotta stop bouncing i'll wake up people...
For real, I started doubting a bit myself ,
but now i feel like i'm the happiest person in the world!!!!
I'm finaly going to my fiance :D
and I can't wait ...

*bounce.. bounce... bounce*

I wanna kiss my mr sooooo damn bad, and cuddle him and do other inapropriate things, that i can't type in here, to him :D

but I do feel kind of guilty, i'm leaving my parents, my friends everything and everyone behind :(
And tis time I can't tell them cuz most of them would call me insane or worse, call my parents ... So what other option do I have to leave in silence?
i won't make the same mistake twice
tho I know the reactions whe i get apicture of me and jeff on my wall ..; the reactions... sooooo awesome :D
prove all them haters wrong... anyway am off to bed now since it's gettin late like 3 am :'( and I get up at 6 ... yes I'm insane :D and I love it :D i love getting up early for my babe, my fiance ... i'll go dream of him...
kisses !

Awwwwe Soooooo Sweeeeeet

just got 2 texts from my fiance
and it made go 'awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwe' snif

text 1

Love you babe wishing you were here with me right now u are my one and only true love and I can not nor will I live without you in my life

that was soooo cute , i have to be honest i had to whipe a way a tear or two.. can't help but he's such a sweety :D

text 2

You complete me sexy and I both need and want you withe every fiber in my body and soul xoxoxooxoxo love your lonely fiance jeff

I sooooooooooooooooo wanna cuddle that bastard, geez he makes me love him everyday a bit more, and I can't help it, I like it :)

but I have another dillema going on ...

my best friend is being totaly bitchy against him... and I don't get why.. doesn't she want me to be happy? pff i get she doesn't want me to go to canada but i love him too much to let him go ... especially cuz she's being so bitchy, I'm glad i have my other friend who supports me in my decision, who acctually wants to give my babe a chance, and that doesn't keep commenting that my fiance is ugly and stuff.. he acctually admitted that jeff is kinda cute ! and I totaly agree on that one :D
can't wait to get on a bloody plane to get to Canada though ...
so we'll see what will happen next :)


kisses

This is what i've written for my fiance.. it's weird, to kinda put it on here, since it's pretty personal, but I don't feel ashamed for loving him and wanting to see him happy

I love you darling can't wait to be all yours, next to you, and being a good wife too you, cuz that's what you deserve, some one that gives you head every morning, and fucks you before you go to work, that makes you breakfast, while you're in the shower befor work,

a woman that get's your hot bath ready when u get home, that has the dinner served when you get out your bath

and that wants too fuck everytime you want to, a woman that 'll never say ''not tonight hunni I have a headache'' but that'll say ''fuck that headache outta my head babe'', one that pleases you whenever you are stressed,

some one that makes sure the house is clean, and that everything is perfect when you get home from a hard day at work. so you can eventually sit down cuddle up in the couch in front of the tv, or getting a nice massage when you're watching a movie
xxxx love love xxx
I want you to be mine forever and ever, and I'll never let you go (h) love you sweet heart, I love the way you make me laugh, the way you make me feel like some one loves me, i love your body and your smile, the way your face makes me fall in love every time again, the way you comfort me, and make me feel like everything will be alright, I love how you spend so much time on me even tho I ain't even there yet, I love hearing you talk, to me or to others people, cuz your voice is like these little golden bells to me, softly ringing and making me feel like life is so wonderfull now you're in it, I love how you tell me your silly jokes, and how you even do some effort to come online for me even though you are soo freaking tired and acctually should go to bed. but most of all I love you.

you are the kind of guy, that a girl has to keep, and must be sure she'd never lose you, becuz you are special, and there ain't 2 like you.

so it all just comes down that I wanted to let you know how much I love you and that I feel so happy to be with you, no matter what.
kisses Anke

Sweetheart I want you to know That I really really love you :)

ZOMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

heya, it has been WAY toooooo long since i posted last time :D
lot of stuff happened
short update:

I'm moving to CANADA!!!!!!!!! 4 ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and I'm engaged :)


ok be shocked :D
(damn I love shocking people :D)
well my guy is amazing :D so far, well he's busy with work alot..
and it's a lil difficult for us since the time difference and stuff. I hope that that will be better when I'm there, we're at the same time, and it'll be easier to spend time on me anyway... i'd tie him up if i have too ;)

anyways wish me luck ;)

Whatever

pff almost through the exams, I'll be happy when I'm done with it.
but then right now I'm done with everything!
so sick of it!
I just need a lil of love.. is that so much asked?
the people I love dislike/hate me...
there's just one bloody stalker that claims to love me..
I feel just random pathetic...
I could use a lil understanding from people, a hug, a lil affection?
didn't think so :(
only thing I get is bullshit/troubles
- having a bloody flue isn't helping much i feel like shit!
-my brother that keeps bullying me and I can't do a thing back 'cuz if I do mum kicks me out of the house :(
- my parents that are just looking for reasons so they can kick me out, and they ain't hiding it :(
- school: I'm just tired of it, I just want to stop, it's stressing me to much, and the only thing the teachers do is giving me more stress, they get paid , so actually they should make that bloody homework, but no, they're giving us the bloody work, the essay for the end of this year, preparing a lesson for history, preparing a lesson for religion, making a task for this, one for that and the other 5 classes, then also a test for 3 classes :s like FFS what the hell?
fuck off
do your job and do it yourself!

am glad that I at least still have my boyfriend, yes sex is great to get rid of the bloody frustration :D but to be honest , he's a lil old...though he's sweet and stuff, I know I won't get married to him, not have his babies, there is no future for him and me. but I need someone to love, and I need to feel like there is someone that loves me... it's the only reason why I refuse to become depressed again :(

you know you always want what ypu can't have.. it's stupid, 'cuz you know it doesn't belong too you, but still You would do anything to get even a lil closer *sigh*
it's just weird, 'cuz I'm over it, I'm moving on, but still somewhere I miss her, it doesn't hurt like it used to, it's not ripping me apart any more when I think of it. I can live knowing it' will never come back, knowing that it'll be okay, hoping she 'll be al right... ah well I'd do anything to reverse the time :) but right now i cherish the memories, being happy that I at least had the chance, yeah I fucked it up, and I'm the only one to blame... *sigh*

I had the most weirdest dream ever but I ain't gonna tell it, cuz some where i hope it'll come true.. though i know it ain't possible
anyways
meery x-mas and a happy new year?
i'mm gonna skip the holiday days cuz i'm not really in the mood for it ;)

X Anke

Rehab

I suck in everything. or suck everything... whatever, both works :)
any ways, mum bitched me off to damn much in a short time.
ran to my room, even there she didn't left me alone,
so when she left, I just dunno what I did...
next moment am sitting at my bed, blood pulsing, running down my skin, cuts,
with welling blood. I don't remember taking the decision of doing it,
which actually scared me a little. the bigger problem was after 2 days later I was having physical education, yes in a T-shirt .. that sucked... but so far no one has noticed yet.... so i guess I went back to rehab :(

me and my flirty behaviour got me into some funny shit lately... definitely since I started chatting to Belgium guys, it got me in a car with a guy doing stuff I should so not be doing... but at the other side, sex in a car is fun!!!
I have a new appointment with him on Sunday :D And I love it...
though I don't know or it will ever be something between him and me, but right now,
it's great to get rid of all the stresses..
next week I have an appointment with the psychologist
we'll see what happens with that ...
the next 17 dates are already arranged ... which is kinda weird
any ways
school sucks am totally done with it, I actually think I should quit, but I still want to be a teacher, I just need to get out of that bloody high school before I totally lose it !

so what is your addiction?

Sorry

Sorry always comes to late.
sorry that I stabbed you
sorry that I ruined your life.
sorry that I've broken your heart
sorry that....
well fuck off, to late you've already done it, sorry isn't going to change it.
maybe they should just kill me and say sorry. well they are killing me, and I, I take it all with a smile. I just smile, as a sign, come on, stab me once more. here you get my trust, so you can tear me up too. let me give you a knife to stab me, not the right one? I'll buy you a new one. I'm bleeding, losing, losing that that kept me alive. I tried, I've tried to be a good girl, but they hate me, and being nice won't help. life is a jungle, only the strongest will survive. well I've tried, and tried, but I never won, and now I lose 'cuz I give up trying, I know I shouldn't give up.
"never give up" that what anyone would say. Well I'm sorry, I give up, because right now, I see so reason of going on, continuing this life.
there is no light in the dark. no point of return. am surrounded by black emptiness, that's shouting to me.

"You're FAT!"
"You're UGLY!"
"You're USELESS!"
"You'll never get anything in life!"
"NOBODY cares for a piece of shit like you!"
"FREAK!"
"BITCH!"
"You're so fat that you can't fit through the door !"
"You're fat if you get on a bus, the tires pop!"
"yes, that one there, she made a stupid joke!"
"she's soo ugly!"
"OMG look at that!"
"need another cookie? fat bitch !"

I cover my ears, but the voices are inside my head, they don't shut up. the loudest voice of them all from a woman, "you're useless, you don't ever do anything! we don't need you in our family, you're a freak, you don't have a life! you're nothing,nobody loves you. who could do that anyway? i wish you were never born!..."

I'm stuck there's no way that I can get out, the black is chocking me, it's trying to kill me, I feel pain, everywhere, but the reasons to that pain are invisible.
I shout for help, and I see hands, too far to reach, can't move, am surrounded by emptiness.

there is no point anymore. no waking up, because this is not a dream, it's real, it's happening life.

SORRY that I was ever born...