Sorry

Sorry always comes to late.
sorry that I stabbed you
sorry that I ruined your life.
sorry that I've broken your heart
sorry that....
well fuck off, to late you've already done it, sorry isn't going to change it.
maybe they should just kill me and say sorry. well they are killing me, and I, I take it all with a smile. I just smile, as a sign, come on, stab me once more. here you get my trust, so you can tear me up too. let me give you a knife to stab me, not the right one? I'll buy you a new one. I'm bleeding, losing, losing that that kept me alive. I tried, I've tried to be a good girl, but they hate me, and being nice won't help. life is a jungle, only the strongest will survive. well I've tried, and tried, but I never won, and now I lose 'cuz I give up trying, I know I shouldn't give up.
"never give up" that what anyone would say. Well I'm sorry, I give up, because right now, I see so reason of going on, continuing this life.
there is no light in the dark. no point of return. am surrounded by black emptiness, that's shouting to me.

"You're FAT!"
"You're UGLY!"
"You're USELESS!"
"You'll never get anything in life!"
"NOBODY cares for a piece of shit like you!"
"FREAK!"
"BITCH!"
"You're so fat that you can't fit through the door !"
"You're fat if you get on a bus, the tires pop!"
"yes, that one there, she made a stupid joke!"
"she's soo ugly!"
"OMG look at that!"
"need another cookie? fat bitch !"

I cover my ears, but the voices are inside my head, they don't shut up. the loudest voice of them all from a woman, "you're useless, you don't ever do anything! we don't need you in our family, you're a freak, you don't have a life! you're nothing,nobody loves you. who could do that anyway? i wish you were never born!..."

I'm stuck there's no way that I can get out, the black is chocking me, it's trying to kill me, I feel pain, everywhere, but the reasons to that pain are invisible.
I shout for help, and I see hands, too far to reach, can't move, am surrounded by emptiness.

there is no point anymore. no waking up, because this is not a dream, it's real, it's happening life.

SORRY that I was ever born...

~Trust....~

Is trust worth trust?
I don't know, But I do Know that I have trust issues. I learned, and found out often enough, that one can't trust an other. I've been hurt many times before.
by people who I thought I could trust, you know them for months, and then they use everything they know against you.
I've sworn myself never to trust anyone ever again. and that was easily, u just tell them a part of all of it,never the full story, just the part that bothers you, not the part that really matters. but you'll be surprised how many people use it all against you.
That use all of it as an excuse to leave you, to disappear.

but then he showed up, asking me to trust him, telling me that i had to work on the trust issue, that it happens, it's a part of life where you got hurt. you'll just need to get over it. I love him, trust him, and i took the chance to tell him everything, or at least almost everything, everything that mattered. the most important things. I trust him, took the chance. But if he ever damages my trust, then I'll know that I'll never trust anyone again, not easily, it will take months, maybe years to trust again.

so right now, there is just one person in my life that i trust, she's awesome, and my best friend forever!

Q for you: What is trust?

She's gone....

I can't help missing her, she was my angel, my life, my everything, and all of the sudden I had to let her go and leave her alone. I wouldn't mind if i knew she was happy, but the fact that I doubt she is makes me so sad, I wish i never lost her, she doesn't know how much I miss her. though I don't regret falling in love with her, 'cuz those days were beautiful, and I'll always cherish them ♥

...

She told me she had to sort her head out, that was the excuse. We'll try again, later. All lies. All bullshit, and I believed it. But she never meant a thing of what she said. She never loved me.I don't want to believe it but it is the truth.
I can't help that I love her, I can't help that I think of her.and I can't hold back the tears, when I realise it's all over, never will I see her again, never will I hear her voice again.
It's all over, no point of existing any more and still people, aren't sad, still they laugh, they move. my world stopped but they continue on theirs. there world never stopped. I wish I could just disappear, not die, because that sounds cruel , just disappear. No more memories, no more hurt feelings. Life just keeps going on. though the though of her being somewhere, with people caring about her, out of my life, but still there, gives me the strength to hold on, though it's hard for me to see why. all I ever wanted disappeared.
though I'm glad to have the memory of her. the pain helps me believing that is wasn't just a dream...